Jack is ahead on the trail, two winter-white legs protruding from the bottom of an oversized purple backpack, like a grape Popsicle, shouldering through the rhododendrons, leaves curled like wood shavings in the late-March cold. Only occasionally do I catch a glimpse of my 10-year-old son鈥檚 face, in silhouette, as he weaves through the 10-foot-tall thicket. Just as he disappears around a corner a thought stops me cold: My father would have seen this. He would have seen me exactly like this.
We are on a three-day backpacking trip with Jack鈥檚 pal Robbie Simmons and his dad, Chris. Our 10-mile loop will take us through the alpine meadows of Virginia鈥檚 Mount Rogers National Recreation Area, a 200,000-acre chunk of Southern Appalachian splendor. It鈥檚 the boys鈥 first serious backpacking trip, a chance for them to sample a kind of restraint and focus that is largely missing from their day-to-day lives. Untethered to power supply or convenience store, they will learn to take what comes. If it rains, they鈥檒l get wet. If the trail crosses a mountain, they鈥檒l climb. There鈥檚 no quitting, no powering down. In return for a tacit agreement to work with what the land and the weather offer, we鈥檒l have vespers of firelight and stars. We鈥檒l be awakened by birds and warmed by the sun, tied to the rhythms of the natural world.
Yet there鈥檚 something more to this outing. In the late 1960s, when backpacking was in its infancy, my father took up the pastime with a passion. I remember riding together for an hour and a half to the nearest camping store that sold goose-down sleeping bags, German mountaineering boots, and the clunky old Svea 123 backpacking stove. I had just a few chances to backpack with my dad before he died in an airplane crash when I was 13. I was left with precious few memories of him on the trail, and a handful of topographic maps with his favorite routes marked in faint pencil. Long ago I vowed to spend as much time as possible with my kids in the woods. It鈥檚 not easy, what with soccer and swimming and church and algebra. It鈥檚 likely I push too hard, too often. You can鈥檛 make your kids carry your cross. But I have every good excuse, I tell myself, to want to write these moments in bolder strokes than the faint pencil outlines of my own memories of my father. And it鈥檚 better than parking them at the mall.
Now I watch Jack range far ahead, striding through waist-high grasses bent low by the wind. The open balds are a rare gift in the East鈥檚 forested high country. Their wide vistas afford a big view, and Jack ranges farther and farther ahead, testing his own comfort level as well as my parental oversight鈥檚 limits. I check my instinct to reign him in, curious as to how long and how far he鈥檒l sortie ahead without me. And curious, too, as to how long a leash I鈥檓 willing to give him.
Jack climbs a long capstone of ridge rock, the wind catching his backpack like a sail, rocking him back and forth. He crests the ridge, raises his arms over his head, and lets loose a wild, primal whoop of glee. I wonder what prompts such an exultant display鈥攖he view from the mountaintop, the freedom-feel of wild wind, the panoramic sweep of a future filled with other discoveries he can鈥檛 yet fathom? Then the wind picks up the cry and sends it hurtling behind me, across the boulders, across the balds and the verdant slicks of rhododendron, carrying the young boy鈥檚 unfettered emotion to wherever it takes the thunder鈥檚 crash and the raven鈥檚 wild cackling.
Our first night鈥檚 camp is in a meadowy saddle between rocky crags that tower overhead like unruly Stonehenge figures. We arm the boys with slingshots and send them off to fire stones at tree knots and rock lichens. After promising our sons they can bunk together, Chris pulls out the tent parts鈥攇roundsheet, tent body, rainfly, poles鈥攚hile I scrounge for the stove and dinner bag. From a dense warren of head-high rhododendron we hear the occasional thwack of a small stone against boulder and the shouted congratulations for a well-placed shot.
鈥淚鈥檓 always torn,鈥 I tell Chris, 鈥渂etween making the kids help with camp chores and just cutting them loose to run and play without a schedule to follow or a skill to learn or a coach to please.鈥
Chris is quiet for a moment, and I can hear him fitting the ferrules of the tent poles together. He is thoughtful and measured, not a big talker. 鈥淚t鈥檚 nuts that we have to bring them to a place like this just to be kids,鈥 he says, glancing toward the sound of them playing. 鈥淚 know there鈥檚 an argument for putting them to work, but these guys have little time just to be boys. And to be selfish about it, I want Robbie to think that being out here with me is the best thing there is. It is for me.鈥
And there are always the dinner dishes. After a supper of boxed dressing, canned chicken, and smoked oysters鈥攁nd Nutella for dessert, always Nutella鈥攚e pass the boys the soiled plates and bowls, a small bottle of biodegradable soap, and a canteen full of water. The campfire sputters, sending orange sparks circling skyward. Jack and Robbie finish their chores. I lie by the fire, my head on a log, as Jack burrows into my side like a cold dog.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know what I鈥檇 be doing if I were home right now,鈥 I say. 鈥淏ut it would definitely not involve licking Nutella off a stick and looking up at the stars.鈥
Chris nods as the boys ignore our fatherly musings and poke the fire with sticks.
鈥淏ut why not?鈥 Chris says. 鈥淲hy don鈥檛 we do this at home?鈥
At the moment, all my answers involve the advantages and various enrichments of modern urban life. Here, with Jack鈥檚 head on my shoulder, surrounded by a ring of tawny grasses that reflect yellow firelight, they make no sense at all.
In the morning, Jack pokes his head in my tent as I鈥檓 rolling up my sleeping pad.
鈥淗ey, Daddydaddy,鈥 he says, using the nickname that he knows is my favorite. 鈥淐an you and me spend the night in our tent tonight?鈥
I鈥檓 slightly perplexed. Have I missed a rift between him and his pal?
鈥淪ure, big man,鈥 I reply. 鈥淣othing would make me happier. But aren鈥檛 you having a good time with Robbie?鈥
鈥淥h, yeah, Dad,鈥 he counters. 鈥淩obbie is awesome! But I want some time together just you and me.鈥
Like the sudden view from an opening in the trees, the unexpected gifts from children are the sweetest.
The day鈥檚 route leads across Pine Mountain, through glades of hawksbeard and hawkweed and yarrow, then turns south to lope along Wilburn Ridge, crenellated with rock outcrops that tower 50 feet above the meadows. In the same way that backpacking forces an elemental economy on what you choose to carry, it winnows away the need to fret over a clock. We hike until we tire, then take a break to snooze in the sun. We stop at a spring where the boys take turns with a pump filter, and talk about how fragile and tenuous and critical clean water is. Once, when the trail winds into the forest and plunges for a half-mile through dark, moist woods, I point out the tall hemlocks that soar overhead. We burrow under their draping boughs and breathe in the pungent, piney smell. I tell the boys that it鈥檚 unlikely they鈥檒l ever be able to walk through a hemlock grove with their children; the hemlock woolly adelgid is infesting these forests up and down the Southern Appalachians. Within a few decades, scientists figure, eastern America鈥檚 hemlocks could follow the chestnut into history.
Breathe deep, boys, I say. They do.
Late in the afternoon, high winds and low clouds roll across the mountain ridges, and we take shelter in the lee of a soaring fin of jagged rock. Clinging to a two-foot-wide rock perch, we scarf down trail mix as cloud shadows move like herds of dark animals across the yellow slopes below.
鈥淟ook!鈥 Jack suddenly shouts. 鈥淚t looks like a lion! Dad, do you see it?鈥
I see the shadow, but I can make neither a head nor a tail from its shifting shape. 鈥淭here it goes,鈥 Jack says. 鈥淚 wish you could have seen it, Dad.鈥
The lion is lost on me. But not the wonder.
The next morning, I stir oatmeal on the single-burner camp stove. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 cowboy oatmeal,鈥 Robbie announces. 鈥淐ool.鈥
鈥淐owboy oatmeal?鈥 I reply. 鈥淲hat鈥檚 that?鈥
鈥淵ou know. Oatmeal that鈥檚 not cooked in a microwave.鈥
Chris and I howl. Neither of these kids is coddled. Both have camped and fished and hiked and paddled all their young lives. But such trips are only temporary forays into the exotic worlds that lie beyond the sidewalk. Driving up to the trailhead, Jack and Robbie shrieked in pleasure when we let them ride up the rough woods road with their seat belts unbuckled. Their connection to technology is so insidiously wound into everyday life that the thought of cooking without the use of microwave radiation is primitive. Like something out of a Western movie.
And it鈥檚 not just the kids, of course. As we shoulder our packs after breakfast, an Eastern towhee belts out its carol from maybe 30 feet away.
鈥淗ey, Dad,鈥 Jack sings out. 鈥淚t鈥檚 the drink-your-tea bird! That鈥檚 my favorite!鈥
鈥淭hat鈥檚 a what?鈥 Chris asks. So I tell him about the towhee, how its three-part song can be mnemoniced into drink-your-tea.
鈥淚 can鈥檛 believe it,鈥 he says. 鈥淚 hear that every single morning鈥攖hey must be making a nest in the backyard鈥攁nd I鈥檝e never known what it was.鈥 He shakes his head and listens. 鈥淗ey, Robbie, how cool is that?鈥
But 15 seconds have passed, so the boys are long gone, moved on to some other discovery. We鈥檙e just a few miles from the truck now, and they stride ahead, pinpricks of bright purple and green backpack cloth against the russet grasses, pulled by the promise of ice cream at the first convenience store we find on the drive home.
Last night a powerful thunderstorm moved across the Mount Rogers wilds. We鈥檇 bunked down in a three-sided log Appalachian Trail shelter, and for long hours I鈥檇 lain awake, listening to the pounding thrum of rain on the shelter roof and Jack鈥檚 coarse breathing just inches from my own. In the dark my eyes could make out only the scantest details of his face鈥攁 bulge of cheekbone, the arcuate edge of forehead, the serrated outline of hair. Then lightning would flash, and for a split second I saw all of the familiar features鈥攖he curious freckles that speckle his chin, the long eyelashes, a small scar by his ear. As the dark closed over us again, I was left with the negative image of Jack鈥檚 face, the way you see a bright image for a few seconds when you first close your eyes.
Now I hear Jack鈥檚 cackling laugh again, the joyous sound of unbridled freedom in the unshackled wild. I could not count the number of times I have heard that sound, ringing from mountains and swamps and deep woods and wild beaches. Each time I hear it I resolve to hear it again, make a promise to myself and to my children to never stop bringing them to the places where my father took me, to places where birdsong greets them in the morning and we eat cowboy oatmeal for breakfast and lick dessert off a stick. Now the wind picks up his wild laughter and drives it across the mountain and into my heart, like the seed that finds soil in the cleft of a rock.