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From Hitchcock to Poe, there鈥檚 something about birds that inspires enduring tales of the macabre.
As this collection of low-budget boondoggles makes painfully clear, however, that鈥檚 not always the case. Inhabited by caricatures instead of characters, dragged along by plots with more holes than a sapsucker鈥檚 favorite tree trunk, and featuring performances that make look like Meryl Streep, these stinkers ain鈥檛 exactly The Birds.
But this time of year, there鈥檚 nothing better than popping some kernels and settling in for a night of trashy horror. For bird nerds, these ghoulishly awful creature features might be just the ticket.
Birdemic (2010)
Considered movies this century, Birdemic: Shock and Terror is a cult hit that fully delivers on its 鈥渟o-bad-it鈥檚-good鈥 promise. The robotic acting, uncomfortable dialogue, terrible sound, and strange edits offer a laugh during the belabored first half, as protagonists Rod and Nathalie embark on a maximally cringey courtship. But I became antsy waiting for the killer eagles and vultures to show up and was glad to see them finally pecking, clawing, and their victims to grisly deaths more than halfway in. Not that you could tell鈥攖he attacking GIF-like birds hover in place, waiting to be shot out of the sky as if we鈥檙e watching a dystopian game of . At least Birdemic gets high marks for its environmental nuance. Shoehorned into this film鈥攖hanks to appearances from an earnest ornithologist and hippie tree hugger鈥攚e get sincere explanations of how climate change is fueling wildfires, avian flu, and the spread of spruce bark beetles, among other calamities. You鈥檇 have to be as dense as Rod to miss the message: The birds are the real victims here. 鈥擩essica Leber
Standout quote: 鈥淭he eagles killed Becky!鈥
Critics say: 鈥淚t requires that audiences don special eyewear to fully enjoy it: beer goggles.鈥 鈥
Be warned: No official rating, but beware a painfully long, semi-clothed makeout scene.
Watch on: Plex; Tubi; Prime Video, Apple TV, Vudu, (Pro-tip: Consider watching this film by the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000.)
Kaw (2006)
When the mysterious appearance of bloodthirsty ravens sends a rural town into chaos, a determined sheriff fights to end their reign of terror. Welcome to Kaw, where cringeworthy CGI and death by eye-pecking take center stage. The film clearly wants to fly with The Birds鈥攊t even features that film鈥檚 lead actor, Rod Taylor鈥攂ut it fails to fledge. Murderous ravens pick off the cast one by one, somehow killing a slew of characters with superficial wounds. They smash windows and bring down power lines with鈥heir beaks? As the death toll rises, the sheriff suspects the ravens are conspiring with each other鈥攃onvenient given that a group of ravens is called a conspiracy. The survivors barricade themselves in a diner, where the true cause for the birds鈥 behavior is revealed and about as believable as the special effects. On the plus side, this film features some of the best acting by a German shepherd you'll ever see. As for the rest? Nevermore. 鈥擯aige Curtis
Standout quote: 鈥淢y grandmother used to say ravens were the eyes of the devil.鈥
Critics say: 鈥淚f this movie sucked any worse I think the world would implode on itself.鈥 鈥
Be warned: Rated R for violence and gore.
Watch on: AppleTV; Prime Video
Flu Birds (2008)
As a so-so birder with insecurities about my identification skills, I鈥檝e had nightmares similar to what plays out in the opening scene of this 2008 made-for-TV trainwreck. One outdoorsman offers up a tentative ID of the bone-chilling bird sound they鈥檝e just heard鈥擝arn Owl鈥攐nly to be met with merciless ridicule from his companion: 鈥淚t鈥檚 the middle of the morning, dumbass.鈥 Shivers down my spine. It鈥檚 no surprise that neither hunter is long for this world, or that it鈥檚 no ordinary avian they鈥檝e just heard. (Owls don鈥檛 roar, typically.) No, that was the sound of the eponymous winged horrors, which look like grotesque pterodactyls and carry a wildly virulent strain of avian flu. Bad news for a band of juvenile delinquents fresh out of detention who find themselves on some sort of scared-straight retreat in flu bird habitat. Worse still, the head of Homeland Security will stop at nothing to contain the virus, even if it means blowing up the forest and everyone in it. 鈥淭his country hasn鈥檛 seen a single case of H5N1,鈥 he growls, 鈥渓et alone a mutant bird.鈥 The first part is , but fortunately this movie is too ham-fisted to stoke anxiety about real-world avian mutants. 鈥擜ndy McGlashen
Standout quote: 鈥淭his is a messed-up situation. It鈥檚 gotten all out of control.鈥
Critics say: 鈥淚 was cheering for the Flu Birds to win so the movie would be over.鈥 鈥
Be warned: Rated R for creature violence and grisly images.
Watch on: Plex; Tubi; Prime Video
Terror Birds (2016)
In real life, terror bird is the nickname for Phorusrhacidae, an extinct Cassowary-like prehistoric species that killed prey with its huge, hooked beak. In the movie Terror Birds, however, the titular creatures look more like goofy -dino mashups with a cartoonish run and the ability to yank a skull and spine (still connected, mind you) from a person鈥檚 body in a single gruesome pluck. Such is the fate of one of the three college friends who join Maddy Stern on a quest to find her dad, who went missing on one of his birding adventures. Unfortunately for Pops, he not only found the Crested Caracaras he was after, but also stumbled upon a mysterious ranch surrounded by an electric fence鈥攖hat he scales a tree to hop. What could be on the other side? Terror birds, of course: 鈥100 pounds of beaks and claws, and the mangiest feathers you ever laid your pretty brown eyes on,鈥 as one character describes them in the opening scene. (The script, much like the movie's special effects, leaves much to be desired.) The birds, the last two remaining examples from a population of Phorusrhacidae that have somehow survived, were discovered on a remote South American island and transported to the Texas ranch by the movie鈥檚 antagonist, a wannabe determined to breed the male and female and resurrect the species. The only problem? The eggs keep failing鈥nd the birds keep killing people. 鈥擜ndrew Del-Colle
Standout quote: 鈥淎re you guys on drugs? Are you tripping on 鈥榮hrooms?鈥
Critics say: 鈥淚 am still trying to determine if Birdemic is better than Terror Birds. 鈥橬uff said.鈥
Be warned: Unrated, but gore, mild language, dated jokes, and offensive acting are laced throughout.
Watch on: Tubi, Vudi, Peacock, Apple TV, YouTube, Prime Video, Google Play
Beaks: The Movie (1987)
The pigeon budget for this film must have been off the charts. There are pigeons everywhere: pigeons terrorizing a little girl鈥檚 birthday party, pigeons bloodying an airplane cockpit, taxidermied pigeons plucking out one eyeball after another. The scariest thing about this clunker may be that birds were undoubtedly harmed during its production. Birds are seemingly thrown at the actors, leashed to the people they are 鈥渁ttacking,鈥 and, yes, shot out of the sky; no CGI here. But if you can get past that, Beaks: The Movie will give you plenty to ponder, such as: Wait, what does this subplot in Puerto Rico have to do with the rest of the story, set in Spain and Italy? Why is everyone speaking English? And was that last-second plot twist鈥hat I think it was? The film is packed with baffling choices by cast and crew alike, including a staggering number of slow-motion shots and, we should note, a few seconds of totally gratuitous nudity. (The hangliding scene, on the other hand, is cinematic perfection.) Oh, right, the plot: Umm, a pair of TV journalists are trying to figure out why birds keep attacking people. They don鈥檛. As reporter Vanessa explains in the film鈥檚 final moments, 鈥淭he nightmare ended the same way it started: suddenly and inexplicably.鈥 You said it. 鈥擜.惭.
Standout quote: 鈥淗ey, call Colonel Sanders and he鈥檒l take care of these birds and we鈥檒l have them prepared for lunch.鈥
Critics say: 鈥淏asically a remake of Hitchcock鈥檚 The Birds, but bad.鈥 鈥
Be warned: Rated R for violence, gore, some language, and brief nudity.
Watch on: Freevee; Plex; Tubi; Prime Video